Bill Door made the mistake millions of people had tried before with small children in slightly similar circumstances. He resorted to reason.
Reaper Man by Terry Pratchett
The biggest problem with kids these days is adults these days (and those days, and the days before that, and the days before that). Lately there’s been a lot of debate about “gentle parenting”. It sounds like a rebranding of authoritative parenting, which is not a happy medium between permissive and authoritarian parenting. Both are lazy and ineffective, and come from a place of fear. Authoritative parenting involves understanding child development to provide guidance instead of doing nothing or beating them into submission. Fight, flight, or freeze serve a purpose in matters of life or death; not so much the daily minutiae of dirty rooms and unfinished homework.
Many parents, including me, have moments of permissive or authoritarian parenting even though most of us know neither works and don’t feel great about ourselves when it happens. Authoritative parenting is the goal, but I could never call what I do gentle parenting. I don’t always use the nicest tone or words, especially before ADHD treatment. I do, however, parent with humility. I apply what I know about child development and what I remember of my own childhood, I apologize when I mess up, and I try to do better.
I find it telling – and horrifying – that it’s the word ‘gentle’ that sets some people off. You didn’t grow up “fine” if you oppose treating a powerless child with kindness and respect. Children are not tiny adults. They feel the same but think differently. Especially babies and toddlers. When people disregard their feelings and expect them to have an adult’s understanding instead of meeting them where they’re at developmentally, it just causes confusion and frustration for everyone involved. Few things are more irrational than expecting rationality from a toddler.
You can’t teach a child to regulate emotions if you can’t regulate your own. In our house, timeouts are something we take for ourselves to calm down. When the severity of one child’s meltdowns posed a safety risk, I’d gather him up and put on the Muppet Bohemian Rhapsody instead. Super specific, but it worked for us, even during some rough patches in adolescence when I revisited the practice on a whim. School meltdowns were rare; in fact, home meltdowns typically followed a day of bottling things up. Knowing what was happening and why helped me keep my cool when he couldn’t keep his.
A lot of people want grace but don’t extend grace to others, even those who need it most. I’m tired of children being held to higher standards than adults who should lead by example. Too many abuse authority and take advantage of vulnerable populations.
Negligence is also abusive. I observed a doofy dispute between authoritarian and permissive parents online regarding children calling their parents ‘bruh’. Bruh. I thought one of my sons called me ‘bruh’ once, but he clarified he was just saying ‘bruh’ the way I sometimes say ‘dude’ as an exclamation. A kindergartener did call me ‘bruh’ once. I said “I’m Mrs. Welch” and moved on. Some parents consider it disrespectful, others believe in being friends instead of spanking children as if those are the only choices, and one teacher tactlessly told those parents that teachers hate them. Hate is a strong word, but parents who do not set boundaries – which does not require hitting – make it that much harder for teachers to set boundaries essential to maintaining a safe learning environment. If you’re afraid your kids won’t like you if you set boundaries, how can you empower them to set their own boundaries?
If you’ve seen Mean Girls, you know Regina didn’t want her mom to be her friend; she needed her to be a mom. Adults aren’t superior, but we’re grown. They aren’t. Respect that. Someone has to be the adult, and it should be the actual adult. When lines blur, children feel less safe, and become more vulnerable to victimization. Children need guidance from trusted adults in ways peers can’t provide, even the “old souls” who’ve had to step into adult roles instead of enjoying their youth. Be the adult so kids are free to be kids.
Some parents don’t have the luxury of being lax due to double standards. And some kids don’t get to be kids for reasons outside parental control; consider Ukraine, Sudan, Israel, and Gaza – or anyone else in danger or displaced by war and natural disasters. Some people recognize their privilege, and use it to help. Others exploit it.
At home, some politicians continue to undermine national and international security to enrich themselves instead of serving the public. Many authoritarian types become permissive of this conduct if they share the same political affiliation, choosing partisanship over being honest and having integrity. I won’t pretend equal fault on both (all) sides, but even those trying to maintain some semblance of governance have made questionable decisions. We’ve seen a rise in antisemitism and islamophobia at home due to tensions abroad. I know I’m out of my depth. I wish others would demonstrate similar restraint instead of fanning the flames of incendiary language.
I remain scared for the children, not of the children.
