It’s a burden, being able to control situations with my hyper-vigilance, but it’s my lot in life
– Tina Fey
ADHD content attracts a lot of eyeballs on social media. Sometimes well-meaning individuals share generalizations or oversimplifications. Other times ongoing scientific inquiries are misreported as scientific fact. There’s even a growing number of bad actors exploiting all sides of any given debate.
One thing that has been bugging me for a long time is this whole rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) business. The term was coined by psychologist Dr. William W. Dodson to describe the extreme emotional pain that the perception of rejection causes some people. It’s not a formal diagnosis. Intense emotions are a part of ADHD. Studies show we also experience more negative feedback than others, especially if we’re in other marginalized groups. And now you’re telling me people who get teased or excluded more often get more sad?
So weird!
I’m annoyed by the implication we read too much into things and jump to conclusions as if we haven’t been explicitly told to. The term ‘gaslighting‘ often gets misused, but it feels applicable. I don’t know about anyone else, but I grew up with the expectation not only to consider the feelings of others (reasonable) but to anticipate and manage them (not reasonable). Like, if I scrunched up my nose when I was trying to remember something (which happens a lot because ADHD), I’d get lectured because someone might see and take it personally. But somehow I’m the over-sensitive one?
And that’s just one of the more benign examples of ingrained hypervigilance (which doesn’t even work because people who want a reason to be mad will find one even if they have to invent it.)
Children are born into complex dramas and expected to navigate them with more diplomacy than people demand of elected officials. There’s something diabolical about expecting children who haven’t developed the tools to manage their own emotions to anticipate and manage the emotions of others, especially grown-ass adults. That’s a big ask even before you throw things like ADHD into the mix. It’s cool, though, because I developed a thick skin just like people wanted, and now I’m an absolute menace.
Even if someone wasn’t expected to “read the room” with the same precision as a professional psychic (entertainer) growing up, they may have honed those skills as a coping mechanism. In my case, it had less to do with ADHD and more to do with the insecurity of others. I had to protect their peace at the expense of my own. This happens to a lot of children. I think that’s part of why people see so many similarities between different disorders – not because they should all be lumped together, but because we have shared trauma.
Which leads me to Dr. Gabor Maté, who insists all neurological disorders are manifestations of trauma.
My ADHD came first. It led to trauma, including physical. People who are impulsive or inattentive get hurt more often. Shocker. If anything, injury should temper our impulses. It doesn’t. Researchers have learned a lot of us struggle with proprioception. The space/time continuum is my nemesis, but the single biggest improvement I’ve had taking a nonstimulant is a remarkable decline in mystery bruises. I can’t even remember the last time I stubbed my toe. Someone with CPTSD or a traumatic brain injury can develop symptoms similar to ADHD, but that doesn’t negate the reality of those born with it.
ADHD is hereditary. I know where mine came from, and I saw it in one of my sons early on despite years in denial. And we all had very different childhoods. Two of us were pretty damn happy – chaotic but happy – until our “quirks” (excessive talking for me, overwhelming Taz-level physicality for him, short temper for both) began to vex our peers as much as adults.
Be skeptical of anyone who speaks in absolutes and disregards data, nuance, and individual lived experience. Even medical professionals (but especially nonprofessionals). Our brains don’t possess some magical immunity from dysfunction. Things can go wonky just like any other part of the body. And sometimes things happen later like physical or emotional trauma. It’s not strictly one or the other. It can even be both. No two people are alike. I have fraternal twins. Same environment, two wonderfully unique individuals. It’s fun watching them self-actualize and thrive despite my early stumbles.
Something else that bugs me is social media perpetuating misunderstanding of justice sensitivity, which relates to how strongly people are bothered by perceived injustice. While it may be easier for people who experience unfair treatment to recognize when it happens to others, our perception can still be skewed and we are not infallible. Justice sensitivity can be channeled into prosocial behavior like advocacy or care, but it can also lead to rumination or antisocial behaviors like vindictiveness.
Save it for your art. Just remember what I’ve said in the past – revenge is a dish best served in tiny little pieces so nobody can identify the body.
Speaking of artistic endeavors, I was recently interviewed by fellow author Susan K. Hamilton. I talk about ADHD and its impact on my creative process.
