I lay on the bed and lost myself in the stories. I liked that. Books were safer than other people anyway.
Neil Gaiman, The Ocean at the End of the Lane
A word of caution: this post includes references to sexual assault and gun violence.
Last month, I alluded to my distaste for director Stanley Kubrick. He seemed drawn to the baser elements in the books he chose to adapt, and stripped them down accordingly, the worst offender being Lolita. Vladimir Nabokov’s most famous novel is known for its unreliable narrator, but even he admits to rationalizing wrongdoing. He fails to recognize the humanity of others, like his encounter with a barber grieving the loss of his son. It’s only a paragraph, but one of the seemingly innocuous moments the author called the “nerves” of the book (1, 2). The death of children or their childhoods is a recurring motif. The author predicted many readers would reveal their own apathy: the details they ignore, the inferences they fail to make, and how they gloss over the abuse because they’ve been won over by the narrator, not unlike what sometimes happens with real life offenders. Sociopathic characters in works like Fight Club and American Psycho have been similarly embraced.
“Lolita” (real name, Dolly) gets vilified in Kubrick’s shallow adaptation despite being abducted and sexually abused, and the notion that girls manipulate men who just can’t help themselves persists. People sexualize children even as they infantilize grown men. Even if a child did attempt to seduce an adult, the adult retains the responsibility to make the adult decision. And frankly, that particular form of precociousness suggests prior abuse. Only another predator would perceive it as an invitation.
As much as some people like to claim superiority to other animals, they are the first to blame wrongdoing on an inability to control animal impulses (you don’t actually have to do better when you take being better for granted). Then they project their moral failings on everyone else. In the spirit of “every accusation is a confession,” it feels like the hysteria over alleged grooming in public schools is being used as an excuse to make children more vulnerable to actual grooming. Too many of the same people pushing book bans and harmful legislation also oppose efforts to outlaw child marriage (1, 2 for a couple examples). Many are enablers or worse.
Some people oppose empowering children with the knowledge of anatomical language even though it leaves children more vulnerable to abuse and less able to report it. There’s creepy men saying they don’t want their daughters to have access to tampons because it will make them less pure. It’s a feminine hygiene product. Nothing sexual about it. And speaking of purity culture, nothing makes girls less able to defend their “virtue” than being uninformed. And when they become victims, others bemoan the “loss” of innocence. From victim to villain just like that. It’s a vicious cycle.
Most of my knowledge came from books, fiction and nonfiction alike…and it didn’t come at the expense of innocence nor hinder my street smarts. Quite the opposite, though I seemed to develop a healthy dose of skepticism even before I became a voracious reader. I remember being introduced to the story of Adam and Eve when I was six. An inquisitive child myself, I recognized how convenient it was to vilify women who question authority and seek knowledge.
The perception of painful periods and pregnancies as punishment for Eve’s sin contributed to health problems being ignored or dismissed as hysteria for millennia – to say nothing of the modern battle over reproductive healthcare endangering lives. Even birth control is under fire. But so is abstinence and/or asexuality (1, 2). Talk about damned if you do or don’t. The mixed messaging only makes sense if the real goal is maintaining a system built on shame, poverty, and subjugation. Some speculate a goal of decriminalizing marital rape. It tracks. Any regard for the wellbeing of hypothetical children begins and ends with denying bodily autonomy. Consistently.
And is it any wonder so many people are reluctant to have kids when school shootings remain an ongoing threat on top of all the other socioeconomic challenges?
But many of the same people who want to restrict books, education, and reproductive healthcare – even classic sculptures of biblical figures – oppose common sense reform due to a broad interpretation of the second amendment contrary to their narrow reading of the first. With the exception of literal warzones, no other country has a pandemic of mass shootings, but they insist the answer is throwing more guns at the problem despite all evidence to the contrary, including suicide and accidental shooting statistics.
I’m just so tired children being caught in the figurative and literal crossfire of overblown culture wars. They need protection from guns, not words they can use to protect themselves, or books that help them feel less alone so they don’t hurt themselves. And they need to know people can talk through problems without name-calling or violence and treat each other with compassion even if they don’t understand – but they can’t learn these skills if adults don’t model them. People say kids need more “discipline”, but it’s the adults who lack discipline.
Real discipline requires patience, personal accountability, and the ability to face challenges with respect for yourself and others rather than defaulting to brute force, especially against those unable to defend themselves.
