While I could write a Dostoevsky-length novel on the subject(s), I’m going to strive for being concise. I’m also in the middle of finishing stories for my second collection. My first collection, Silly Little Monsters, focused on high school and college fears. I move on to more adult concerns in Maladaptive Daydreams. One completed story is “The Hole”, a psychological horror story about having a newborn. I drew from some of my own experiences.
My boys and I were failed early and often by most medical providers in Boise, Idaho in the 2010s. The maternity nurses weirdly opposed breastfeeding, and also didn’t like how much time I spent with my babies in the NICU. Other mothers had similar negative experiences. I dunno if it was a generational thing, but I dubbed them the triple Bs. The lactation consultant didn’t even see me until the third day. I was in pain. The boys weren’t gaining weight even with supplementation. When the pediatrician told me to ask about the availability of a parent room in the NICU, Maternity lied and said there wasn’t one. He involved a social worker. I got the room. Even when my boys were well enough to be released (several days apart), they were always hungry. I also noticed they seemed to take an awfully long time finishing their bottles. I never had more than an hour of uninterrupted sleep, and only a few total. You start having some weird thoughts when you’re sleep deprived.
(I’m fortunate in that my inner monologue is more like a four-way dialogue so when my primitive brain lost the plot, my inner Greek choir kept me in line.)
I knew something was wrong, and I wanted answers. I saw a consultant at a different hospital who quickly identified the problem everyone missed because they were too busy blaming and shaming to do their jobs. The boys had jaw tightness (torticollis) which impaired breast and bottle feeding. They were burning more calories than they gained. And it wasn’t some new mysterious thing to healthcare professionals, but common in twins and multiples. After a few sessions of occupational therapy, I was able to nurse (painlessly!), the boys were nourished, and we could finally sleep. Unfortunately it wasn’t the end of our medical problems in Idaho, but that’s a story for another day.
If early motherhood taught me one thing, it’s that people love the idea of motherhood but hate the reality of mothers and children. Like a lot of mothers, the Clancy trial struck a chord because it’s always upsetting when parents kill their children, but here was someone in obvious need of intensive psychiatric inpatient care. A lot of women were reminded of their own intrusive thoughts following childbirth. It only happened once to me, but it was a doozy. I don’t see anyone saying she shouldn’t be held accountable. The difference is what people think accountability should look like, and whether anyone else shares the blame. If only her, what prevents the next tragedy?
Whatever the trial’s outcome, changes need to be made at the societal and medical level for better understanding and care, never mind all the ways families will benefit even when we don’t fear the worst-case scenario.
Someone asked if people would be as sympathetic to men who expressed violent thoughts. I think they should be hospitalized and receive adequate treatment, too. I doubt that’s controversial. People even bring up mental health every time we have a mass shooting. What gets lost in mental health and gun law debates is how often shooters have a documented history of domestic violence and hate speech (1, 2, 3). Ultimately, they are responsible for killing people, but I think anyone in authority who ignored red flags has some culpability. At minimum, systems need to be reevaluated.
We can’t prevent every tragedy, but we could prevent a lot more if everyone did their jobs when someone shows and especially tells us explicitly that they are a danger to themselves and others. The death sentence isn’t a deterrent for someone suicidal or experiencing psychosis. After all, we’ve seen several cases of men killing their families this summer but punishment was moot because they killed themselves. In the most recent case (to my knowledge), the man used a screw driver. A few people made jokes about tool reform instead of expressing their condolences for the victims. I can see why they would feel personally attacked by red flag laws.
Maladaptive Daydreams also includes “The Patriarch”, which was loosely inspired by something creepy a police official said at a funeral. When he wasn’t equating women to big game (a wonderful perspective from someone in law enforcement), he went on an unhinged rant about minorities, teachers, and psychologists. While I agree with him that mental illness doesn’t excuse crimes, I think it’s important to identify and treat mental illness so that, say, a victim of a child abuse does not grow up to become an abuser themselves. This was in Arizona, by the way, around the time they were building a backlog of over 5,000 untested rape kits to focus on racial profiling instead. Some people are oddly selective in their application of law and order.
